Backslide

It's been a while since I partied (drank and danced like crazy) like college days. And last night I just had the opportunity and guiltily took it. It was more than 10 years ago since I graduated from college and started my journey of the "real life." During those times, I've jumped from job to job, until I decided to run my own small business and got married. And presently, at this point in my life, I never felt so lost and uninspired. If it's as if everything is useless and has no sense. I tried different activities and joined different groups to hopefully find anything that could bring the spark back into my life. It's like a plateau and I just hope any sooner something interesting would come my way. Then there's last night. One of the hardest thing to admit is the fact that I still enjoyed flirting. Yes, flirting with other people. Oh it feels so good to let this out even on text. The worst part? I've never felt so alive in years! It's like I'm always looking forward to these activities. The matured part of me is sickened and is disgusted with myself. It's just so sad when you find something that makes you feel alive is WRONG and the more you think of it, the more your GUILT consumes you.